Artemis and LEP dorkey glasses but not Grover
by simetrajackson
Summary: In this foot and retina scrubbing hilarious comedy, Artemis Fowl finds himself making excuses on how he died in the bathtub while Percy needs to eat nutritious and delicious Fish Oil tablets and Root disintegrates into an eyeball floating next to Holly ..


Note: The title of this story is actually called, "Artemis and Percy and Annabeth and Foaly and Charon and Hades and Root and LEP Dorky glasses but not Grover"

But it was too long to fit. xP

* * *

Intro:

Percy Jackon and Annabeth Chase have finally arrived at Los Angeles. They walk inside the entrance to Hades, where suddenly a strange boy popped out of now where.

Artemis Fowl was on a mission to save the world. Or, more accurately, to look for Koboi who had escaped. Foaly had tracked her down to this 7 star hotel and he had just taken off a piece of camfoil when he bumped into two unusual adolescences wearing orange t-shirts bearing the words, "CAMP HALF BLOOD"

By the way, Artemis can see through the Mist. Although no one knows that.

* * *

Percy, and Annabeth walked up to the counter, where a certain Charon wearing a certain latino suit was sitting.

Percy walked up to Charon.

"We want to go to the Underworld," he said, ignoring Artemis.

"We're dead," added Annabeth.

Artemis walked up.

"So, how did you die, kid?" asked Charon.

"Excuse me?" replied Artemis. "I am most certainly not dead."

That was responded by a hard kick to the shins by Percy.

"Dude, we died in a bathtub, remember?"

Annabeth stared at Artemis as if he had just appeared out of nowhere. "Who are you?"

"I am a child prodigy. I have come to save the world.-"

"Really?" Chirped Percy brightly. "So are we. How many times have YOU saved the world?"

Artemis raised a thin eyebrow. "I have saved the world four times, or, more accurately, stopped an inter species war."

"We're on our way to stop an inter gods war right now. But don't worry, I'll save the world at least three more times in the future."

"Yes," said Annabeth dryly." We should all join the STWC."

"What, may I ask, is the STWC? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with this particular group." said Artemis, curious.

"It's the Save The World Club. Join the club. Save the world. Join the Save the World Club."

Artemis scowled.

Below ground, Foaly grinned. "I like this girl. It's not an easy task to incense the great Artemis Fowl Junior."

Artemis remembered his interrupted introduction. He clapped his hands for attention, and proceeded to say, very loudly, "I am..the one, the only…ARTEMIS FOWL JUNIOR!" Artemis smirked, preoccupied with examining his surroundings. "Really, when was this place built?" Then he lowered his voice and narrowed his eyes.

"Foaly. I thought you said this was a state of the art 7 star hotel for ingenious plumbers such as myself."

"Uh..What did you just say?" asked Percy, staring at this strange boy that appeared out of nowhere.

"Mm? I didn't s--"

"Yo kids, I'm still here, you know. I need to know how you died." Charon interrupted, impatiently waving a few dead gangsters past his counter.

Artemis pointedly said," I. Am. Most. Definitely. Not. Dead. Do you comprehend me, or is this simple statement too complicated for you to understand?"

He was rewarded by another kick from Percy.

"Bathtub!" he hissed in Artemis' ear. It was then he noticed a small, circular cube plugged up in the boy's ear.

Plucking it out, Percy stared at the strange object. "Hey, you've got this box thing stuck in your ear. Hold on, I'll smash it."

Miles below ground, Foaly smacked his forehead. "Artemis, are you still there?"

Percy's eyes widened. "Whoa, was it just me, or did this box just talk to me?"

"I am not a box! I am a highly intellectual being. I live, therefore I learn, ablah..blee..bloop.. I'm afraid I don't quite remember the rest. I must be getting old."

"You're a box, cube. Not my grandmother." Percy said, running a hand through his hair.

Artemis stared coldly at the

* * *

**Grover interrupts: Hey wait wait wait. How come I'm not even in the story?**

**Artemis replies: I assume it is because readers find me more charming and amusing than you are. Therefore, there is no longer a need for you to be in this story. Understand, my dear, poor, reed-playing, aluminum can-eating satyr?**

**Percy: Grover, man, you are so pwned.**

**Annabeth: Can we get back to the story now? I'm getting a hangnail here. **

* * *

Artemis stared coldly at the

* * *

**Foaly interrupts: Can we hurry up? I want to get to the part where I press the self-destruct button dramatically.**

**AUTHOR: Okay, fine, be that way. My own creativeness is escaping me.**

**Percy: Oh, and, AUTHOR, please stop making me sound stupid.**

**AUTHOR: No, it's okay. I like you just the way you are. We're all special in our very own ways, and you, Percy are special in your very own way too.**

**Annabeth: Can we PLEASE get back to the story now?**

**Percy: Remember, Artemis, we all died in a bathroom.**

**Artemis: May I ask, how, exactly?**

**Percy: We drowned. In the bathtub. Duh.**

**Artemis: ….. **

* * *

Artemis stared coldly at the orange clad younger boy standing before him.

In haven, Foaly sighed, and then dramatically raised a finger. Artemis saw the motion in his specially modified LEP helmet designed to look like dorky glasses. It even came with scotch tape around the nose bridge thing. Artemis was quite fond of it, actually. He thought it made him look more sophisticated. Very Theodore Roosevelt.

Charon tapped a cane to get their attention. "Hurry up, I want to take my break. HOW DID YOU DIE??"

"I was currently informed that we have died in a bathtub. Drowned, to be exact. And may I add, 'Duh'," replied Artemis

Charon raised an eyebrow. "Drowned. In a bathtub."

Percy nodded vigorously, still holding on to Artemis's mike, which, strangely, had not been dramatically self-destructed yet.

"Ah," said Charon. "Must have been a big bathtub."

Percy nodded again. "Big big bathtub."

"Enormous," Annabeth added.

"Colossal," Artemis agreed.

"Immense." Annabeth countered.

"Tremendous." said Artemis, getting into the spirit.

"Mammoth"

"Titantic"

"Towering."

"Behemoth."

"Herculean."

"Gargantuan."

"Olympian."

At this point thunder rumbled above and the earth shook simultaneously.

"Macroscopic."

"Magnitudinous."

"BIG!" shouted Percy, concluding the banter.

"Yes, yes," said Charon boredly. "It was a enormous, colossal, immense, tremendous, mammoth, titantic, towering, behemoth, Herculean, gargantuan, Olympian-" At this point there was more thunder and shaking of the earth. "macroscopic, magnitudinous bathtub."

He looked around for the group, but they were already gone.

"Whoopsie Daisies," sang Charon. "Sorry Boss."

As a matter of fact, Percy, Annabeth, Artemis, and Artemis' microphone had already entered the underworld.

Artemis stared coldly at the

* * *

**Percy interrupts: Hey! You made me sound even more stupid!**

**AUTHOR: Don't worry, Everybody makes mistakes, Everybody has those days…**

**Artemis: I suppose that quote was from the supposedly hilarious hebetudinous children's show "Hannah Montana"**

**AUTHOR continues: Everybody knows what, what I'm talkin' 'bout. Everybody gets that way, yeah!**

**Foaly: Did you know that I'm still holding my finger up dramatically over the self-destruct button?**

**Artemis: Yes. I can see that with my specially modified LEP helmet designed to look like dorky glasses that I'm quite fond of.**

**AUTHOR exploded: NOBODY'S PERFECT **

**Artemis: Although I do come awfully close, you know.**

**AUTHOR, not to be distracted: I GOTTA WORK IT **

**Annabeth: This is giving me a headache.**

**AUTHOR: AGAIN AND AGAIN TIL I GET IT RIGHT. **

**Artemis: I imagine that must take quite a while. **

* * *

Artemis stared coldly at the

* * *

**AUTHOR: NOBODY'S PERFECT!**

**Artemis: ****Hannah Montana ****is the acknowledged seminal Norma. But I have a confession: I actually prefer the ****Jonas Brothers****. They took the role on in the seventies. Of course, I have only heard recordings, but to me, the ****Jonas Brothers' ****performance is more robust. **

**Foaly: Really. I'm trying to care, Arty. But I thought it was all over when the fat lady sings.**

**AUTHOR: Hey! Did you just call me fat?**

* * *

Artemis stared coldly at the

* * *

**Foaly: Hey, you know, my finger is still poised dramatically over the self- destruct button. It's getting tired, poor thing. **

**Percy: Hey! What about making me less stupid? How did this turn out to be a conversation about Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers?**

**Annabeth: Why isn't Grover in the story?**

**AUTHOR: We've been through this. The story is called , "Artemis and Percy and Annabeth and Foaly and Charon and Hades and Root and LEP Dorky glasses but not Grover" not "Artemis and Percy and Annabeth and Foaly and Charon and Hades and Root and LEP Dorky glasses and Grover." Don't you understand?**

**Artemis: I must admit, going over this story, I find myself a bit too obnoxious, patronizing, and smug. In fact, I am starting to sound like a 10 year old. **

* * *

Artemis stared coldly at the River Styx before him. It was filled with rotten pieces of bananas, rotten pieces of steel and metal, and most of all, rotten pieces of Root.

"My gods," whispered Annabeth. "What _is_ that?"

Artemis smiled. "I believe our commander Root is so eager to greet us that he swam all the way back to the other side."

Annabeth gasped. "Is that the River Styx? It's so polluted!"

Root growled as he clambered onto the bridge. "Sorry, but that was me."

"Silent and deadly," Foaly whispered into the mike. "That's the commander, all right.

"I heard that, you conceited pony. I see you haven't changed much since my last death."

"Commander!" cried Foaly joyously.

"Foaly!" shouted the ghost of the commander, eyes brimming with tears of joy.

"Excuse me," said Percy. "But I need to find the lord of the dead and this chubby little man in front of me was not my impression of Hades."

Root grunted.

"I thought we were in a hotel, Foaly," Artemis said accusingly.

"Ah, well, there were complications. We seem to be in the Underworld."

"Really?" said Artemis, fascinated. "The Greek Underworld? The same one where Orpheus played for Hades? Where Psyche asked Persephone for a bit of her beauty in a box? Where Cerberus guards the entrance to Hades?"

"And where Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase and not Grover Underwood single handedly stood up to the wrath of the almighty but no offense slightly weird LORD OF THE DEAD! In other words, my uncle." added Percy brightly.

Artemis stared coldly at the

* * *

**Percy: I NEED TO BE SMARTER.**

**Artemis: Try Fish Oil tablets. I hear they're nutritious and delicious.**

**Percy: That's not what I'm talking about, mortal.**

**Foaly: Yeah, MudBoy.**

**Artemis: Is all this name-calling absolutely necessary?**

**Apollo: Yes!! No wait! I feel a haiku coming! **

_**Flowers are pretty**_

_**(Not my precious baby sis)**_

_**Arty and Percy**_

**Artemis: The greek goddess of the hunt would not be pleased that she isn't considered pretty by her own twin brother.**

**Apollo: No, not that! I meant the name Artemis. You're named after my baby sis, so I was referring to you, not Artemis Fowl. Y'know? Mortal?**

**Foaly: It defines who you are, MudBoy.**

**AUTHOR: I see you have forgotten how you want to be portrayed.**

* * *

Artemis stared coldly at the

* * *

**Percy: I NEED TO BE SMARTER!**

**Artemis: I need to be less smug and obnoxious!**

**Foaly: I need to finish pressing the self-destruct button dramatically!**

**Root: I need to stop polluting the River Styx with my Silent but Deadly--**

**AUTHOR: NONONONONO!!**

**Annabeth: OR ELSE…**

**Percy: I WILL DROWN YOU!!**

**Foaly: I WILL DELETE ALL TRACES OF YOU ANYWHERE, MINDWIPE YOU, SCRUB YOUR FOOT **_**AND**_** YOUR RETINAS, AND SEND YOU TO ZIMBABWE!!**

**Artemis: I will promise to make your life…..utterly miserable. And trust me, Artemis Fowl Junior always keeps his promises.**

**AUTHOR: …Fine. Sticks out tongue. Let's get back to the story.**

* * *

Artemis stared coldly at the 12 year old boy before him. Then, he blinked and said nothing. Annabeth stared at Root intensely, then said, "Well, can you take us to Hades now. Any time before the Summer Solstice."

That was when a huge blob of drool fell on top of Artemis's head. He was utterly disgusted. Cerberus growled deep in his throat.

Artemis stared coldly at the

* * *

**AUTHOR: Why are you stopping the story?**

**Annabeth: I forgot!**

**AUTHOR: What do you mean you forgot?**

**Annabeth: I forgot what I was supposed to do in the chapter, "Annabeth does Obedience School"**

**AUTHOR: Well then…let's stay calm and cheerful and just skip that part.**

* * *

Artemis stared coldly at the three headed dog before him. He was about to make a comment when Foaly's voice blasted through the cube that Percy realized he was still holding.

"Fluffy?" said Foaly incredulously. "Fluffy? Don't tell me Voldemort killed you? That makes two of us! Just how did you get from one story to another one?"

"Beats me," grunted Root (Yes, he does seem to do that a lot, doesn't he?), although he had no idea what a Fluffy was. And he didn't even want to ask what a Voldemort was.

**THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE SKIP, CALM AND CHEERFULLY, TO THE PART AFTER THEY PASS MY HUGE PET DOGGY.**

Everybody stared admiringly at the horrendous view of the fields of Asphodel, Punishment, and the Elysium. The group walked for several miles before they finally saw the dark pit of Tartarus.

Artemis stared coldly at the

* * *

**AUTHOR: At this point, Grover would have had quite an adventure, but since the story is called, "Artemis and Percy and Annabeth and Foaly and Charon and Hades and Root and LEP Dorky glasses but not Grover", this part isn't there. **

**Grover: How rude. **

* * *

Artemis stared coldly at the dark pit that was saying, "Come closer, dear Arty." Artemis raised an eyebrow, "I suppose you are…Kronos?"

"No, I am Willy Wonka," said the Dark Pit sincerely.

"I never knew the Dark Pit of Tartarus had a sense of humor," said Artemis dryly.

"Everybody makes mistakes," replied the Dark Pit sincerely.

Artemis stared coldly at the

* * *

**Artemis: Oh no, Kronos, not you too!**

**Kronos: The ****Jonas Brothers**** are the acknowledged seminal Norma. But I have a confession: I actually prefer ****Hannah Montana ****She took the role on in the seventies. Of course, I have only heard recordings, but to me, ****Hannah Montana 's ****performance is more robust. **

* * *

Artemis stared coldly at the Dark Pit, rolling his eyes and walking in the other direction.

"We seem to have taken a wrong turn. According to this map by Grover who is not in the story and drawn with clip art because satyrs cannot draw, we were supposed to turn left, not right."

**THIS IS GETTING BORING, SO LETS JUST SKIP CALMLY AND CHEERFULLY TO THE PART WHERE HADES IS PLAYING TEXAS HOLD'EM WITH DIONYSUS AND A DISGUISED PIXIE WITH PIXIE HONOR BY THE NAME OF OPAL KOBOI.**

**OOPS.**

**SORRY ABOUT THE SPOILER.**

The pitiful group arrived at Hades' palace, with Root slowly disintegrating until he was no more than an eyeball floating awkwardly next to Holly Short, who, like Grover, isn't even in this story.

Hades was playing Texas Hold'em with Dionysus and a badly disguised goblin. Surprisingly, this goblin knew how to play and was even winning, though the odds were zero, because of two reasons. 1.Goblins are exceedingly dumb simple-toons, and 2. he just happened to be playing with the two best players in the world, since they were gods and because Hades has unlimited wealth and Dionysus has unlimited…(fill in this blank with your very own choice)…

However, Foaly, seeing through Artemis' specially modified LEP helmet designed to look like dorky glasses (That Artemis was quite fond of) immediately recognized the "goblin" because he/she was the only creature in both his world and theirs that could beat two gods at their own game.

Other than himself, of course.

"OPAL KOBOI," he bellowed into Artemis's mike. Unfortunately, it was Percy who was holding the cube and it was Percy who had turned it onto maximum volume. So, of course, Foaly's voice echoed loud and clear throughout the entire Underworld, and none of the beings would forget it for quite some time. It would, in fact, turn out to be quite a popular swear word among inmates such as Tantalus. (You Opal Koboi! How dare you!)

Opal would be quite pleased had she known.

Unfortunately for Percy, the "goblin" hit his nose and with a girly "Ooh!" the nose fell off and landed on Hades' newly polished shoes.

"Please accept this offering as a token of our appreciation," Annabeth said meekly.

"My nose!" cried Percy. "What do I do? I'm horribly disfigured now! Now Annabeth will definitely fall in love with Grover who isn't even in this story instead!"

At this point, miles underground, Foaly _**FINALLY **_dramatically pressed the self destruct button and …………

Be prepared.

This is quite shocking.

And……

Artemis Fowl Junior exploded.

Taking the entire Underworld with him, except for Root (Who had disintegrated into nothing but an eyeball floating next to Holly Short who isn't even in this story like Grover) and all the other dead people.

Of course, the goblin suit was destroyed, but not the tiny clever creature within it. Oh and Fluffy died. Sadly. Hagrid, who isn't even in this story like Holly Short and Grover because this story is called (say it with me, now,) **"Artemis and Percy and Annabeth and Foaly and Charon and Hades and Root and LEP Dorky glasses but not Grover" **Underwood would be hysterically sobbing for days. And nights. Dionysus and Hades did not die. They simply disintegrated like Root and reappeared wherever they were supposed to be after Artemis Fowl Junior and the underworld stopped exploding.

By the way, Cerberus did not die. That means that the three headed dog that we skipped by calmly and cheerfully earlier was not Fluffy, who, like Foaly was murdered by a Voldemort, which Root (Who pollutes the River Styx with Silent and Deadly ways) won't even want to ask what it is, and it was, in fact, the immortal monster (no offense) Cerberus.

Alternative meaning: that means it could also mean that the three-headed dog we skipped by calmly and cheerfully was in fact Fluffy, who died when Artemis Fowl Junior exploded in the explosion that Foaly caused by dramatically pressing the self-destruct button, and not his twin brother Cerberus, who was on vacation in the Bahamas at the time.

The End.

Maybe.

Perhaps.

Not Really.

Also, for those of our more careful readers, you might notice that even though the title is, **"Artemis and Percy and Annabeth and Foaly and Charon and Hades and Root and LEP Dorky glasses but not Grover" **it does not include Kronos, Willy Wonka, Dionysus, Opal Koboi, Badly disguised goblins, Fluffy, nor his twin brother Cerberus who was on vacation in the Bahamas at the time, Apollo, who made a guest appearance, and anyone else you may have noticed. Therefore, the title of this story should actually be, **"Artemis Fowl Junior and Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase and Foaly Nolastname and Charon and Hades and Root and LEP Dorky glasses and Kronos and Willy Wonka and Dionysus and Opal Koboi and Badly disguised goblins and Fluffy and Cerberus but not Grover Underwood or Holly Short or Rubeus Hagrid who are not even in this story". **

However, that title would be too long for us to type every time, and we know you would like to continue reading the actual story instead of phrases such as: "Hagrid, who isn't even in this story like Holly Short and Grover because this story is called (say it with me, now,) **"Artemis and Percy and Annabeth and Foaly and Charon and Hades and Root and LEP Dorky glasses but not Grover" **Underwood would be hysterically sobbing for days. And nights."

PS. The Story seems to be told by Hades. Somehow. Okay, not really. But whatever.

Really, this is the end of the story. Artemis Fowl Junior has already exploded, and Opal Koboi has already beaten Hades and Dionysus at their own game, Kronus has already declared himself Willy Wonka, Root has already disintegrated into nothing more but an eyeball floating awkwardly next to Holly Short who isn't even in this story like Grover Underwood and Rubeus Hagrid, the author has already revealed himself to be not not Hades, and Artemis has already confessed that he prefers the Jonas Brothers over Hannah Montana, and Apollo has already made a guest appearance, and Zeus has already blown up Mt.Tampais in an act of supreme stupidity, and George Bush has already been kicked out of office, and China has already done more than seven practiced Olympic beginning thingys.

So, friend, it is really the end for us.

PPS.

** DISCLAIMER:**

I DO NOT OWN ANY PART OF THE PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS SERIES, OR THE ARTEMIS FOWL SERIES, OR THE HARRY POTTER SERIES, OR WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY MOVIE AND BOOK, OR THE JONAS BROTHERS OR HANNAH MONTANA WHICH, BY THE WAY, WE DO NOT REALLY WANT TO MAKE FUN OF, BECAUSE THAT IS RUDE, AND THIS IS JUST FOR FUN. IF MILEY CYRUS OR NICK JONAS OR KEVIN JONAS OR JOE JONAS EVER EVER EVER READ THIS, WHICH, BY THE CHANCE, THE PROBABILITY IS PROBABLY ZERO, WE MEAN NO HARM TO YOU AND THIS IS JUST FOR FUN. WE ARE SORRY IF IT HURTS YOU OR ANY OF YOUR FAN'S FEELINGS. PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO LOCATE WHERE THIS STORY CAME FROM AND SUE US. YEAH, WE'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SUE US OR READ THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. OR THE RIGHT TO WRITE LIKE LEMONY SNICKET OR EOIN COLFER OR RICK RIORDAN OR (REMEMBER, WE'RE AT THE "WE DO NOT OWN ANY OF THIS" PART, IN CASE YOU'VE LOST YOURSELF BY THIS TIME) OR GEORGE BUSH WHICH, BY THE WAY, WE MEAN NO HARM AND PLEASE DON'T LOCK US IN PRISON FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES BECAUSE WE ARE JUST LITTLE KIDS AND HAVE NO IDEA WHATSOEVER ABOUT POLITICS AND WE ARE NOT TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF YOU OR ANYTHING, OR ANYONE THAT ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS MAY OR MAY NOT NOT RESEMBLE

REMEMBER, WE ARE JUST WRITING THIS FOR FUN AND HOPE THAT YOU WILL ENJOY THIS FOOT SCRUBBING EXPLODING ARTEMIS HILARIOUS COMEDY.

TO THE GODS AND GODDESSES:

PLEASE DON'T KILL US FOR BEING DISRESPECTFUL, ESPECIALLY ARTEMIS, APOLLO, ATHENA, POSEIDON, ZEUS, HADES, DIONYSUS, AND ANY OTHER GODS OR GODDESSES WE DO NOT KNOW OF.

SORRY IF WE DO NOT KNOW YOU OR IF WE OFFENDED YOU. OR BOTH. WE HOPE YOU DO NOT BLOW US UP INTO SMITHEREENS, SIMULTANEOUS COMBUSTION, TURN US INTO DOLPHINS, ZAP US OUT OF THE SKY, TRAP US IN THE UNDERWORLD, MAKING US GO MAD, OR ANY OTHER HARMFUL ACTS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT DO.

On that happy note, let us conclude this wonderful story, and until next time, where **"Artemis and Percy and Annabeth and Foaly and Charon and Hades and Root and LEP Dorky glasses but not Grover" **returns!

Thank you, good night (because it obviously took you an entire day to read this properly) and GOOD BYE!


End file.
